不愿早睡的公共假期前夜

明天公共假期，尽管觉得很烦燥，很颓废，却也不愿意早睡。我把一切归咎于荷尔蒙失调，是不是觉得最近我看了超多电影。。。Well，周末不想往外跑因为想存钱，然后也没什么人约（请相信我，以我现在的精神病发作前夕，我也会尽可能找借口避开人潮）所以应该不难明白为什么我是万年单身的属相，我太习惯和自己相处了，突然去融于别人或让别人融入自己的生活我都觉得不习惯。

虽说很烦燥时会觉得寂寞，总希望有人可以理解自己。事后发现除了伴侣，朋友也可以让你排解寂寞。但是有时两者都会让你觉得更烦燥，我就选择自己来了。一个人过活那么久，时不时就嚷嚷寂寞单身可悲什么的，成何体统？

最近晚上不是写作业就是找资料，有那么一些闲暇时间入周末或假期前夕我都是那么的雀跃。因为有点时间可以看部电影，听些音乐。今晚却什么都不灵。。。。该怎么办呢？

算了。想太多不是更烦燥。。最近还是发现了一张很优的soundtrack。来自［The fault of our star]电影的专辑，里面的歌曲都是上作。

尤其是这首［Strange Things Will Happen],我是让它循环播了整夜。而今天整天在办公室戴上耳机也只为了这首歌。也许有时我也只需要某人会告诉我他／她感受到的和我感受的是同样的。

之前和朋友聊起时被说我越来越高竿，思想层面精神需求上越来越深（我知道他是想说我走火入魔）这样很难交到男友。我笑而不语只喝啤酒。我其实没那么高竿，直觉上自己脑袋也没那么厉害。就因为知道自己的不足，我才那么渴望进步。然后进步路途上找到自己。

我不认为我的做法有那么高深，我只是没安全感。然后妥协地自己努力寻找自己要的安全感。这样也被笃定没人有办法理解？那我就继续高竿好了。虽说现在还算年轻说这些话有底气，多五年就没什么底气可言。不过我想自己还是有办法摆平，大概吧。呵呵呵。

那就再大概的说说这部电影好了，故事走向挺老套。但节奏很好看，里面男孩的乐观幽默，我想无论几岁看，都是那么令人向往这份爱恋。

里面患上癌症的双方都希望对方为自己些悼文。这是Augustus写给女主的悼文，瞬间秒杀我的泪水。

Van Houten, 

　　 "I'm a good person but a shitty writer. You're a shitty person but a good writer. We'd make a good team. I don't want to ask you for any favours, but if you have time- and from what I saw, you have plenty- I was wondering if you could write a eulogy for Hazel. I've got notes and everything, but if you could just make it into a coherent whole or whatever? Or even just tell me what I should say differently. Here's the thing about Hazel: Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That's what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease. I want to leave a mark. But Van Houten: The marks humans leave are too often scars. (Okay maybe I'm not such a shitty writer. But I can't pull my ideas together, Van Houten. My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.) Hazel is different. She walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. Hazel knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we are not likely to do either. People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it's not sad, Van Houten it's triumphant. It's heroic. After my PET scan lit up, I snuck into the ICU and saw her while she was unconscious. I walked in behind the nurse and got to sit next to her for like ten minutes before I got caught. I really thought she was going to die before I could tell her that I was going to die, too. I just held her hand and tried to imagine a world without us and for about one second I was a good enough person to hope she died so she would never know that I was going, too. But then I wanted more time so we could fall in love. I got my wish, I suppose. I left my scar. What else? She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her. You don't get to choose the ones you hurtin this world, but you do have some say in who hurrts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers. 

很长，所以还是建议看电影。